what to do in pubs

As a computing student, I always use the internet as my main source of wisdom, but here in Ireland we have a natural accruing knowledge resource that has existed for centuries but at this most crucial stage in modern Ireland this knowledge resource is dieing out. The Knowledge resource I do speak of is none other than “old fella’s”. These old fellas can talk about any subject for hours on end for there knowledge has been collected for years, the will be able to tell you things that they have known for years that NASA scientists are only just figuring out. Now I know there are other books on the market about this subject but we felt that there was a need for a user manual of how to use these vast databases of knowledge. So In this book what we hope achieve is to teach by way of example.


Lesson 1: How to Approach.
Now unlike the internet search engines such as goggle which can be used in a series of small steps e.g. turn on computer, click on the internet browser icon and type in the desired internet search engine address that you require. No the best way to approach the “old fella’s” is to imagine that you are hunting wild prey, now when I say hunting wild prey I don’t mean set a trap, hang him upside down and ask your question then the poor fella will think the black and tan’s are back. Although that would be interesting.

Method 1: The Arnie Predator Approach
Location: The local pub, the counter of the main bar
Time to set the trap: Midday, after the one o’clock news.
Equipment needed:
• A collapsible dog crate at least 48”x27”x31” in size.
• a rope long and strong enough to hold the cage door open
• A bottle of Extra Strength Stout. DO NOT USE DRAUGHT CANS as opedning the can can is enough to give a fella a hearth attack.
• A toasted Bovril and cheese sandwich
Preliminary work: You may be required to visit the pub before and scope it out.
You will need to find
How to set the trap: Because the old fellas are always in the same spot for hours in the pub, you need to adopt a solitary approach to avoid suspicion and have patience. The one chance you will have to set your trap is when the old fella is gone to the toilet. Now do not lose faith if there are other old fellas at the bar also as these fella’s posse no treat what so ever as long as you avoid eye contact.
• Remove the bar stool where the old fella had been sitting and replace it with the cage


• Place the bottle of extra strength stout and the sandwich inside of the cage



• Now tie the rope to the cage door while it is in the open position. Now it is your job to hold the cage door with the rope a wait until the old fella has come back from the toilet and is lured in my the intoxicating smells of extra stout and Bovril that are now in the air.

And there you have it you have now you can own your very own piece of Irish heritage. Also if you just so happen to be an American citizen these traps also work on leprechauns, the best place to spot a leprechaun is in any number of pubs in small villages in Co. Meath (he is the small red headed one).


Method 2: The Humane Approach.
After carefully researching method 1 I realised something which may come as a shock to you but this approach although not specifically illegal is actually frowned upon in modern society. So I have come up with an alternative that may prevent your person being frowned upon. The Humane method is a lot simpler and for those of you who are like and do not like to spend a penny, this method is also a lot cheaper in fact I would go as far as saying that it’s at least 100% cheaper but don’t quote me on that.
(FACT! at the end of that last sentence is the 666 word in this chapter, weird huh? It scared the willies out of me!)
Location: The local pub, the counter of the main bar
Time: Midday, after the one o’clock news.
How to Approach: To do this approach successfully you need to be able to think on your feet you need to become the old fella mentally think how he thinks and more importantly you need to drink how he drinks. The best way achieve this is simple.

Think at all time:
• It’s not like it used to be (this is a general thought that can be applied to everything in life!).
Drink:
• A pint of Stout or Porter.
Now that you’re in the right state of mind approach the old fella in a slow and non threatening fashion. As a rule of thumb approach the old fella from the opposite side to the hand he is drinking his pint. Now be prepared to speak to the old fella your first words are crucial, your words need to be able to draw the old fella in and keep his attention. For this exact purpose we have prepared a number of phrases that you can use to start a topic of conversation with an old fella.
• The Honda 50 that was a grand wee bike.
• Those Foreigners coming here taking all the jobs.
• Not’en on d telly these days. What ever happened to Glenroe?
• That NCT, it took me 88 the other week there.
• Them Blacks are everywhere these days.
Now obliviously some of the phrases are a bit controversial and are not be condoned by myself. So use these phrases at your own discretion.
You should now be happily able to learn vast sums of knowledge from your new best friend.